We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
