So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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