mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Panties = found
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
