no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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