he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
