I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
