Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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