while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
