she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
