im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
We left the knife in your bed.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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