this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
