i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
So here I am, sexting at work.
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