Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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