we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
