i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
