sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
