It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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