He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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