I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
