You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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