My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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