Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
