Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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