If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
