he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
