I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Also, beer. Big fan.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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