I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
