I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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