It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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