she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
