So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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