if you like me you must not know who I am
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
