Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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