Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
