I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
