my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
