Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
