Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
