Someone shit on the floor
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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