Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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