I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
