Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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