Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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