M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
