clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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