you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Randomize
