Already got asked if we're dating
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
