I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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