Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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