sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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