I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
