I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
