I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
handjob tips. give me some.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just pee around me
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
