allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
