Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it was like eating out sand paper
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
