You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
