I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
only you would photoshop your dick
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
